Saturday, July 04, 2009

A fun literary contest

The Bulwer-Lytton Awards For 2009

I found a reference to a fun and funny literary award and found these outlandish story first liners that were submitted for this years' contest of the Bulwer-Lytton Awards (named, if you don't know, for the guy who wrote the line that Snoopy always used: "It was a dark and stormy night."). I'm thinking it would be fun to try and write our own quirky, fictitious, adjective filled, tangential, irrelevant "opening sentences". So I thought we could have our own little contest, with a $20 gift card for a prize. I want everyone (especially all of my grandkids so mom's and dad's help them out)to submit something. Put on your thinking caps, sharpen your pencils or exercise your typing finger and start writing. Anyway here are a few of my favorites from the real contest, You can read more by going to the link above.

From the miscellaneous section:

1.There were earthquakes in this land, terrible tsunamis that swirled flooding torrents of water throughout, and constant near-blizzard conditions, and not for the first time, Horatio Jones wished he did not live inside a snow globe.
Rich Buley-Neumar
Amityville, NY


In a flurry of flame and fur, fangs and wicker, thus ended the world's first and only hot air baboon ride.
Tony Alfieri
Los Angeles, CA

1.Winner: Detective

She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida - the pink ones, not the white ones - except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't.
Eric Rice
Sun Prairie, WI

1. Winner: Fantasy Fiction

A quest is not to be undertaken lightly--or at all!--pondered Hlothgar, Thrag of the Western Boglands, son of Glothar, nephew of Garthol, known far and wide as Skull Dunker, as he wielded his chesty stallion Hralgoth through the ever-darkening Thlargwood, beyond which, if he survived its horrors and if Hroglath the royal spittle reader spoke true, his destiny awaited--all this though his years numbered but fourteen.
Stuart Greenman
Seattle, WA

2. Runner-Up

Towards the dragon's lair the fellowship marched -- a noble human prince, a fair elf, a surly dwarf, and a disheveled copyright attorney who was frantically trying to find a way to differentiate this story from "Lord of the Rings."
Andrew Manoske
Foster City, CA

a "dishonorable" mention:

She expected a beautiful morning after the previous night's hard rain but instead stepped out her door to a horrible vision of drowned earthworms covering the walkway -- their bodies curled and swirled like limp confetti after a party crashed by firefighters.
Rita Hammett
Boca Raton, Florida

To get us all started, here's an offering from me, inspired by Dennis' 4th of July pics and comments on facebook.

She quickly and flirtatiously climbed on top of the bright red, gaily wrapped tower, her unruly perpetually bad hair day blond tresses flowed out from under the not so attractive broad brimmed Panama hat, a remnant of a spring break weekend from her distant but not forgotten past (well mostly forgotten except for the hat) she wondered curiously what that green rope like thing sticking up was as she surrounded it with her long unbending legs and giggled nervously as the flickering flame approached--unaware (like the blond she was) that she had mounted the Fourth of July finale firecrackers!


sparkle brightly said...

My new favorite opening to a book reads.
"A mango, Thought Peter. The perfect he bent to the sandy soil and scooped up the plump red-and-yellow fruit sphere, a bit bigger than an orange. The mango was squishy to the touch, too ripe for eating. But it was just the thing to drop on somebody's head from a great height. And Peter knew precisely whose head he wanted to drop it on.
Holding the sweet-smelling mango in his left hand, Peter raised his right hand over his head and, pointing his index finger skyward, sprang up and rose swiftly from he earth. It was a dramatic takeoff, and totally unnecessary:

by Barry and Pearson
(the second book in a Fun re-telling of Peter Pan!)

sparkle brightly said...

The nurse had a tear on her cheek as she brought her in to me, all bundled in pink.
The nurse was like a saint to me during the 16 hours of hard labor full of complications. The baby had showed signs of stress. And now here she was being placed in my arms.
"Oh," startled as I looked at her for the first time, "she's so beautiful." I didn't expect her to look like an angel! Oh her hair! Her dark, full head of hair and her creamy completion makes a beautiful contrast to her dark hair. She's so perfect.
I adored her precious lips, and smelled her perfect new baby smell as I cradled her in my arms. Her skin felt so soft and I counted her cute tiny toes and fingers!
"She looks just like she's sleeping." I whispered, I didn't expect that. Well, they told me she would, but Oh, I can almost imagine her breathing, as I looked at her perfect angelic baby face and chest.
"Oh God, please, please." I started to cry out. My very soul started to quiver in grief. "This precious baby. My miracle baby. I can't, How can I live without her? God Please!" was my cry into the night as the realization of death hit me. Like a tumbling mountain rolling over me crushing my soul as each stone laid their heavy weight upon the pile leaving me... breathless.

DS at the well said...

Wow holly that was intense!! I was moved, I think you really could write a book.

sparkle brightly said...

Ok mom, My last story was not a random silly opening. So I tried again and think I failed, again. lol! I had fun though and that's what counts.

Mope is such a simple name. He named himself when he was very young before, he knew that he would be anything but simple or ordinary. He should have considered the names Wheef or Whoe or even Phirs. The name Mope is made by opening your lips once. Whoos and wheef are made by sucking water into your mouth or out of your mouth. And as for Phirs-Phirs well, that name is made by flapping water out of your gills twice. Well that is, if your a fish of course, and Mope was most indeed a fish. He was a magnificent fish. One of the most envied breeds. A rainbow trout.
Meanwhile, Towering over a skinny part of the river like a skyscraper, stood an old man. Who had the reputation of bringing home a good catch in any mass of water. Some called him The Fish-whisperer. And he was most defiantly a Fish-whisperer. And we're about to find out how.

DS at the well said...

Holly,thanks for making my day and writing again, I love them both. Everybody else get busy, it's fun.

Monica said...

Once upon a time, in a potatoe field, not very far away was a man named Gravy, which he has always hated, but his mom said that was all she could eat when she was pregnant with him, so he valiantly tries to ignore all the teasing he gets as he fills his basket with potatoes!

Monica said...

The wall is red, it is ginormous, it is bumpy with ridges, yet feels smooth to the touch and when you touch it, which you can't not do, because of it's magnetic pull, your fingers will start to tingle, to swell, and to grow till they touch the floor.

I don't think these are very funny! I guess I'll keep trying!

sparkle brightly said...

Charity's story

Once upon a time, a very special dream came true...and in the dream was the most beautiful place with princesses and Princes and a castle. And in the castle the Queen gave birth to a new priness and her name was Crystal. When Crystal grew up her older sisters were jelous of her beauty. Than one day she got a card to a ball. When she got there, she noticed the this castle had her dream, which was to marry the handsome Prince.
The End.

Monica said...

One day when Joe was riding his skateboard he crashed into a bucket with a hazardous sign on it, head first, and instantly his hair melted off his oddly shaped head, the bucket was filled with a chunky bubbly goo that smelt like a rancid old diaper that had been left out in the hot sun, when he woke up days later with pains all over his body, especially on his sides, where two more sets of arms had grown out, in an old smelly hospital, he knew, he would never be the same.

Grandma I hope you like my sentence. Love, Denver

DS at the well said...

Denver this sounds like a horror story. Very creative. Charity, I always loved happily ever after stories too. Good Job both of you. Grandma

sparkle brightly said...

Grace's story. Age 4
(Her words exactly) I think it's cute how many (and)s she uses.

There was a pretty princess and a prince and a witch, and the evil witch put the princess in the castle, and the witch was able to dance with the prince, and the witch's friends were Jealous. Her friends noticed that she put the princess in the castle and they saved the princess. Than the princess was able to dance with the prince, and they lived happily ever after.
Didn't she do a good job!?

Aimee said...

One hot summer day in july a beautiful girl named julie was geting her first pair of glasses, the next day she was wrighting about it all on a peace of paper for a contest, with all of her aunts, uncles, and cousons, but she did not want them to know she got glasses until they read this story,this story is true!

Aimee said...

Once there was a boy who only wore one black,smelly,and lucky shoe, he wore it so much that his toe stuk out of his shoe,so he enterd a relly long running contest,right when he was about to finsh,his shoe had fallin apart then finshed dead last.the end

Grandma hope you relly relly relly like my story. I am righting two more. Jessica

DS at the well said...

Jessica I do really, really like your story, I also think it is cook that Julie has glasses. I can't wait to read you next story!! Love Grandma.

Monica said...

As my foot presses on the sharp pointy spine, and it slides easily into my tender flesh, the enormous green water logged monster silently laughs, because he got me again, as I carelessly walk, in my cute bare feet, near where he resides.

Monica said...

Her name is Lyla and when the wind blows her long silky ebony hair around it sparkles, shimmers and giggles as it holds on for the ride!

Monica said...

I hate the saying home is where the heart is, since I don't have one thought the scarecrow.

Monica said...

Greg thought the flora and fauna on the newly discovered planet, Klapton, was fantastic; even though he was currently covered from head to toe with an itchy, oozing, burning rash and was fleeing for his life from the humongous, flying, fire breathing, ravenous beast.

Monica said...

"He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he love me not" Carrie always thought she would love to come back as a flower until she bloomed and was carelessly destroyed on a young girls whim.

Monica said...

Morgans entry:

As the woman in the canary swimsuit and smartly matched goggles and swim cap sunk slowly toward the bottom of the pool, she turned her toned slender body slightly to the left, lifted her arms to make an expertly designed diagnal line , and pushed powerfully off the bottom of the newly plastered pool to gracefully break through the surface of the sparkling shimmering aquablue water, where she then realized all of the other swimmers and sunbathers were looking at her with confused and humorous expressions on their sunburned faces; she cautiously glanced around her and then peeked down at herself and realized she had not dived into the water in a canary swimsuit, but had in an overeager thoughtless moment dived into the pool fully clothed.